The End of the Line

Wife has told me she has no interest in reconciliation.  Divorce is coming, it's just a matter of me getting a job so I can get a lease.  I'm sad, but then, I have to confess that few people have worked as I hard as I did over the last 20 years to ensure this outcome.

I'm looking at apartments, furniture,  appliances and kitchen provisons.  It makes me wonder, would it be tacky to throw myown divorce shower?  Register at Ikea and Williams-Sonoma, invest in some good booze and pull together a "bitches be crazy" playlist on my iPod. 

And the funniest thing is that I've spent most of the weekend thinking about all the stuff I'll be able to cook that Wife never cottoned to.  Onions, eggplant, lamb.  I'll be able to learn how to cook Indian food! 

I'll miss her.  I wish it didn't have to be this way.  But I've been reading her online journal and it's pretty clear that she decided this a long time ago and I am just getting the news late.  I'm thinking that the New Year is really going to ring in some big changes.

This is Going to Hurt You a Lot More Than it Hurts Me

So, I've been sitting on my hands for weeks now to keep from dialing, emailing, or otherwise harassing a potential employer.  They've displayed more interest in general than other places, and I think I've scored well in the interviews so far.

But they have this one last guy I'm supposed to talk with and he hasn't called.  It's driving me nuts.  Don't these guys ever remember what it's like to be on the other side of the equation?  Yes, I probably need the job more than he needs to interview me.   Today.  But what about in two weeks when he's getting slammed and thinking "Fuck, I wish I had someone to share the load."

Besides, if I don't get out of the house soon either me or my wife is going to wind up dead, hacked into little bits and simmered in a lemongrass-saffron broth.

Got any hearts?

They're evaluating me for a transplant.  I've been getting tested every week for the last month. They're looking at how much I pump, where it gets pumped, how much oxygen is in it, what size it is, everything.  The reason is simple enough: I'm breaking down.

I have a hard time getting to sleep.  I have a hard time waking up.  I get winded standing up.  I need to rest after going up a flight of stairs.  It affects my memory.  I'm not as funny, I'm not as quick-witted, I feel at times like I'm not as smart.

I used to be terified someone would find out.  But I'm not afraid of that any more.  Because I've figured out that I'm not fooling anyone. 

So I'm waiting to find out if I'm sick enough to get a new heart.  If not, maybe I'll just get a motorcycle.  It's not like I will need to worry about getting killed riding one.

Hello, Old Friends

Well, now, it has been a while.  One of the big problems with being a depressive is that one tends to et depressed on occasion.  And I have had more than  my fair share of things to be depressed about.  Job loss.  Impending divorce.  Health issues.  It's been enough to make me ponder (not seriously) sucking on the barrel of a shotgun.

I have come more and more to realize how much of my own self-defeating behaviors have led to these problems.  That doesn't change the fact that they exist and need to be overcome.  It also doesn't mean I am doomed to repeat the cycle.  I am learning to recognize these patterns and overcome them.  Hopefully, the next time around, I'll make changes and spot danger before I step on my dick.  The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life, a book I have been reading, has been a big help.  If any readers have similar issues to the ones I have whined about incessantly, it may be useful.

Anyway, I'm hoping to hear good news on the job front this week.  Once that happens, I can get my house in order, separation-wise.  No matter how things turn out, I know that Wife and I need time apart.  The angina is good for one thing, too.  It let's me know I still have a heart and it's still beating. 

Oh, and if anyone is feeling insanely rich and generous and wants to bring a smile to my face, I really want one of these: