Bike - Update

I got one a couple weeks back. It's bright red with black trim, has 3 speeds, balloon tires that cushion everything, a seat the size of leather armchair, and it goes. I've been riding almost every day, except when it is too hot. I love my bike.

She Texts

She is angry. She has a right to be. I was possibly the shittiest husband on record. But still, she is angry. One of the few benefits to being tossed out is that I don't have that anger in my face all day, every day. She usually keeps it to herself, and, I hope, her therapist. We can talk civilly about the kids and financial issues, even getting friendly once in a while.

But sometimes she boils over. And then she starts texting me. I don't mean the occasional "You're an asshole." Even daily would be within reason. But no. I mean she texts. 63 so far since 8, and she's still going strong. In the last month, 782 texts, all sent on 8 days.

I'm trying not to be an asshole. I'm making the effort to show her I am sorry for hurting her. But on days like this, I just turn off the phone.

I can't wait for this to get better.

Big Wheel Keep on Turnin'

I am going to get a bike, I think. My rehab course will be ending soon and I need to find some way of exercising to replace it. I can ride along the lakefront and do some light dumbells to keep my upper body in tone.

I test rode a couple today. It was a lot of fun riding around.

One life change down, a few hundred more to go.

The Thorazine Shuffle

It was after a couple weeks of seeing Ed on the corner, either when I went to the drug store or to Stella's that I had the chance to watch him. I began to notice that he had a route; he wasn't stationed full-time at the CVS. Ed marched his way up and down Broadway as far north as Addison and as far south as Diversey.

I also noticed that some days Ed seemed more mellow than others and some days he was positively manic. The slow days also revealed another clue about Ed. He walked in a stuttering, almost lurching way. That's when it hit me: the Thorazine Shuffle.

The Thorazine Shuffle is named after the well-known antipsychotic drug. It and its progeny have a suppressive effect not jusst on the parts of the brain that control emotion, memory, and cognition. They also have a significant effect on the physical brain as well. Imagine the dayroom in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

Ed's just another one of the poor schmucks who can't support himself or live a normal life, but can't be institutionalized because of overzealous liberals. One of the homeless that greedy conservatives and smug libertarians walk by and snarl at because they could surely find some way to make a living and get off the public tit.

I need to do some thinking and reading now. More on Ed later.

Ed

I'd never had a homeless person introduce themself to me before.

He was just sitting on top of a newspaper vending machine when I came out of the CVS. I had the dollar in my hands from the purchase I'd just made and I tried to take care of the homeless whenever I could. So I handed him the buck and started down the street. Transaction closed. Let's move on.

"My name is Ed." He smiled at me, a big grin. "What's your name?"

"Sous Chef." I started off again. Again he caught me short.

"Thank you for the dollar." Ed smiled again and held out his hand to shake. I shook.

"You're welcome, Ed. Good luck to you, Man."

"Have a good day." Ed still had that grin.

Walking

I do a lot of walking these days. It's my primary form of exercise and also my main form of entertainment. I had forgotten how much I like wandering the streets and watching a million lives being lived.

In the suburbs, everything is driving distance. Just to run out and grab a bag of ice or a quart of milk is a three mile proposition. I used to spend so much time in my car, it's no wonder I felt cut off from everyone. I was.

I Saw My Shadow Chasing Me

I was at the train station last week, and I was just sort of letting my eyes (and my mind) wander. Suddenly, something caught my attention. My reflection was in the blacked-out windows across the street from me, clear as the real thing. But here's the curious thing. There were two of me in every window.

Behind and slightly to the right of me there was a second me. I wondered for a moment what the meaning of this curiosity could be. Speaking metaphorically, of course. Physics isn't my strong suit.

Was I  bearing witness to the end? I've lost my family, my job, my health, and my sense of purpose all in the space of a year. Through most of it, I've felt helpless, like an unwilling witness at my own fatal fall. I know that I overstate things here. I also know that I have to own the chaos and destruction I have wrought. I knew the choices I was making and the likely outcome of those choices. I like to tell myself it couldn't be helped. But I'm not easily fooled these days.

Perhaps it was the old me looking on as the new me turns a fresh corner. I am starting new in many respects. I need to learn to live without family. I have to find a new way to fill my days. I have pretty much given up getting a new job in my field. It seems nobody wants a middle-aged man with heart disease and no independent source of business.

Perhaps it was the good me, falling behind as evil me manages to shed the last vestige of my better nature.

It was a beautiful day today. We got about 10 minutes of rain right around Noon but the rest of the day was great. The sun was out, there was enough breeze and it was no-jacket, temperature-wise.

On a day like this, it's nice to walk around, soak in your surroundings, and let your mind look at problems from a new perspective. This sort of day doesn't merely encourage self-reflection, it nearly demands it. And so I walked and I thought.

I decided I am far too obssessed with whether or not people will like me. I will start working more on making decisions based on whether or not I will like me.

Where Does All the Money Go?

I'm on disability now, as you may know. I'm making 70% of my former salary. I give about half of that to my soon-to-be ex-wife. My rent is not much. Medical expenses are a heavy drain. But that's about it. The rest of my expenses are fairly small. And yet, the money always seems to disappear without my even being in control of it.

I have yet to figure out a system that works. Or, should I say, I have never found a way to follow a system to keep track. It's been one of the banes of my existence for my entire life. Why can't I do this? I just have this mental block that steps between me and my need to impose some order on my life.

Thought, suggestions, and donations welcome.

More pictures

I've been taking a lot more pictures recently.  It finally got warmer.  I'm so happy.

An Act of Discipline

I initially envisioned this blog as being a daily record of one or two of the important things I learned. In theory a very grand and laudable goal, it was also a commitment to do nothing. Obviously, if I don't learn anything "important" in any one day, I don't want to post for fear of allowing standards to fall. On the other hand, in a period of slow reader interaction, posting more often will keep the buzz going.

Well, the biggest thing I discovered is that it takes a lot more commitment and more to say than I do to keep the flow going.

But I think that I can increase the things I have to write about if I experience more than I have of late. I need to just take the time to think of onee or two things to say every day. Even more important, I have to make sure it actually gets done.

Click

I have been taking more pictures lately. I shot about 100 or so this weekend. I don't have them online yet because I'm taking the time to crop and clean them up a bit before posting. After all, I am a professional, having earned a heart-stopping $7.77 last year.

It has done a lot for my peace of mind. Paying attention to the immediacy of the world within my sight has kept me centered. I plan on doing a lot more shooting this summer and researching what it takes to show. I'd like to think I can at least double my earnings this year.

Then I'll go pro.

Attack of the Overly Aggressive Squirrel

In the city, it's all about the rats and the squirrels in the cold time and, in the warmth of summer, we add pigeons to the mix. Cats tend to be kept in doors. There's an occasional dog, although in my neighborhood they tend to be very tiny dogs, loud and frisky and actually sometimes smaller than the rats and squirrels.

The point of all this is that the wildlife around here isn't all that wild.

So it was with a great deaal of surprise that I was walking down Barry this morning and I came upon a squirrel, squatting right in the middle of the sidewalk chattering at a woman who had apparently been halted in her steps by the sudden challenge of the fierce squirrel. Suddenly, the squirrel charged. It took off running directly at the woman. She dashed across the street, panic writ large on her face. The squirrel followed her as far as the street, and then paused.

The squirrel sniffed the air and then slowly turned its head in my direction. I was a good half block away, but damned if I was going to take my chances against this fierce urban rodent. I crossed the street and left the squirrel to his turf.

I'm thinking I should start carrying a weapon to protect myself from wild animals.

Just a Thought

One of the relatively few advantages to being on my own is that I can eat all I want of certain foods that I didn't eat much of when I was married. Lox. Onions. I'm eating onions on almost everything now. I haven't had much eggplant yet, but the time is coming. Parmesan. Caponata. Baba ghanouj.

I wonder if I could finish a side of lox before it goes bad.

Welcome, Spring

I have spent the last several days walking around, doing errands, wrapping up my class, just enjoying the weather. The runners are wearing fewer layers, skirts are getting shorter, coats are getting left at home.  The sun is shining. Two boats are in the harbor.

Spring is on its way at last.

Five Bucks

The sun is shining, a slight breeze is blowing off the lake and it's in the upper 50s or lower 60s. Springtime has finally come back to Chicago. The weather forecast is for it to get into the upper 80s tomorrow and humid as a sauna. But today we have a beautiful day.

I walked around the neighborhood, did a little shopping. I browsed the used record store for fun. (I'm not in the market for vinyl right now, but I hope to be soon.)

I stopped in at Stella's Diner, my local joint, just to get the flavor of the day. A bowl of soup and a fresh roll, a Diet Coke and a few words with friendly faces. Five dollars is not a lot to keep yourself anchored in your community.

Have a good weekend.

When You Get Out of Bed, Put Some Clothes On

I have decided something needs to be done. To all the jokers out there wearing flannel pyjama pants out to the bars, to run errands, to dinner, etc., I have one thing to say.

Put some fucking pants on, you douchebag.

Pyjama pants are the zubaz of the 21st Century. That's right, Trixie, you may think you're totally cute, but you just look like some white trash Joey Buttafuoco with tits.

I'm Getting the Hang of It

This whole separated thing, I mean. I spend less time feeling sorry for myself. Less time thinking about where I go from here. I'm beginning to find my base.

I am writing more. Not a lot more, but enough that I can say in good conscience that I'm writing. I need to get my camera back in my hand, but that will happen soon enough. If I create enough outside myself, I can begin to rebuild the inside.

I took the bus yesterday and instead of my usual routine, I decided not to plug into my iPhone immediately.  I left the Kindle at home and spent the time roaming the city listening to, looking at, and being attentive to the people around me.

I live in a very entertaining city.  I have to spend more time being part of it than just moving through it as unobtrusively as possible.

Travel Time

It took me 6 hours to get to and from the doctor's office today. 

Ordinarily, I would have driven and it would have taken about 2-2.5 hours.  But my life is not ordinary anymore.  I done screwed that pooch.

You see, your typical city dweller, at least in Chicago, doesn't really have a car.  You don't need one except for rare occasions, like the one above, and a car can be more bother than boon in the City, let me tell you. 

Most Chicagoans would have had the good sense to change doctors when they moved from There to Here.  Get a doc at one of the many fine health care insitutions within the city limits.  But me and Heart Doc, we've been together for over ten years.  If the day comes when I need a new part, he'll be the bone mechanic that installs it.

And so, it took me 6 hours to get to and from the hospital today to see the doctor.  Thank God for my Kindle.  I'll be doing a lot of reading.

Life is Short. Have an Affair

That is the tagline for a website called Ashley Madison that specializes in putting people who are otherwise attached together with other people who are otherwise attached but don't feel that is a binding commitment.  In fact, Ashley Madison guarantees its patrons will successfully find an affair partner.

Now, I'm not at all in a position to throw stones.  I tossed a marriage away over a long-term series of adventures off the ranch.  It's not something I'm proud of, but there is is.  I've finally become convinced it's not the way to go.  Not in time to save a marriage of 24 years to a womaan who had far fewer faults than I and put up with a lot more than I ever had to.  But I have come to understand that affairs are invariably hurtful and destructive and they cause far more trouble down the road than admitting there is a problem in a marriage and either working it out or moving on.

All that is my opinion.  Like I said, I've been there myself.  Your mileage may vary.  I'm sure there are people out there for whom Ashley Madison is a godsend and for whom getting caught only means that one has not been adequately discreet.

But...

Ashley Madison running a Superbowl ad?  Let us pause for a moment to think about what that says about our culture.  Marital fidelity is such a shop-worn concept that we are willing to accept an advertisement in favor of forsaking marital bounds on one of the most widely-watched television events of the year.

The advertiser and the marketing people at Ashley Madison must have felt this would not be viewed as a big deal by the viewing public.  In fact, they must have believed that the ad itself and the buzz caused by it will generate enough new revenue to justify the massive cost of a superbowl spot.

There thinking has to be underlied by a belief that we are a society of cheaters and those who ignore it if not condone it.  Even if the ad was banned and didn't run, the fact that it was considered and hit the web along with all the other Superbowl ads still speaks volumes.

Thunder Snow

I'd never heard of a snow thunderstorm before last night.  But that's what we had.  Lots of thunder, lots of lightning visible once the whiteout broke.  I guess nature never runs out of surprises to throw at us.

It's still snowing off and on.  The cable came back on, finally, though, and my internet access is back. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

White Powder

I'm sitting in my apartment off Lake Michigan in Chicago, looking out my window at ... nothing.  It's just a cloud of white.  The snow is coming down so hard that I can't see the building across the street.  In fact, I can't see the street.

I looked at the Weather Channel app on my iPhone this morning and there was a lakefront flood warning.  This is a little creepy under the best of circumstances (Lake Shore Drive is one of the major traffic arteries in the city); it's really freaky when the lake is frozen over for the first hundred yards or so.  There is this loud craching noise I hear every few minutes or so.  At first I thought it was snow plows, but I heard it too much for that.  My latest theory is that it's the wind hittting the ventilation system shafts or something similar.  At least I hope that's what it is, because the only other explanation that comes to mind is that it's pieces of buildings flying off in the wind.

Tick Tock

I've been getting around a bit more the last few days.  It's warmed up a bit and I have been more disposed to walk around and hit the hardware store, grocery store, etc.  You know, just like normal living people do. 

I've also really been enjoying my Kindle.  It's nice to be able to carry a selection of books in my coat pocket.  Reading and I have had a life-long love affair and this is the best relationship aid for that I've ever seen.

I went and got registered for a new round of cardiac rehab today.  It's within walking distance from my place, which is really convenient.  It's not exactly the Lakeview Athletic Club, but it's more exclusive.  Maybe I'll stop wheezing halfway up a flight of stairs.

Not Your Father's Boystown

I went out for dinner last night, about 9.  I had some really good Thai at a place called Taste of Asia.  Really good food.  After, I'm walking down Broadway, thinking I might stop in at one of the local bars to have a couple of drinks.  I hadn't been out on NYE for decades, so I figured I'd just have a couple of beers and do some people-watching.

It was a much younger crowd.  Like, the bulk of the people out were the age I was when I first lived there 25 years ago.  It was depressing.

I know there are older people in my neighborhood.  I guess they were all staying in or had plans at the more expensive hotels and clubs and such.  People who planned in advance.  People who had other people to spend the evening with.

So.  Even on the last day of the year, I'm not quite in synch with the rest of the crowd.

Please, God.  Let 2011 be a step in the right direction.