I Saw My Shadow Chasing Me

I was at the train station last week, and I was just sort of letting my eyes (and my mind) wander. Suddenly, something caught my attention. My reflection was in the blacked-out windows across the street from me, clear as the real thing. But here's the curious thing. There were two of me in every window.

Behind and slightly to the right of me there was a second me. I wondered for a moment what the meaning of this curiosity could be. Speaking metaphorically, of course. Physics isn't my strong suit.

Was I  bearing witness to the end? I've lost my family, my job, my health, and my sense of purpose all in the space of a year. Through most of it, I've felt helpless, like an unwilling witness at my own fatal fall. I know that I overstate things here. I also know that I have to own the chaos and destruction I have wrought. I knew the choices I was making and the likely outcome of those choices. I like to tell myself it couldn't be helped. But I'm not easily fooled these days.

Perhaps it was the old me looking on as the new me turns a fresh corner. I am starting new in many respects. I need to learn to live without family. I have to find a new way to fill my days. I have pretty much given up getting a new job in my field. It seems nobody wants a middle-aged man with heart disease and no independent source of business.

Perhaps it was the good me, falling behind as evil me manages to shed the last vestige of my better nature.

It was a beautiful day today. We got about 10 minutes of rain right around Noon but the rest of the day was great. The sun was out, there was enough breeze and it was no-jacket, temperature-wise.

On a day like this, it's nice to walk around, soak in your surroundings, and let your mind look at problems from a new perspective. This sort of day doesn't merely encourage self-reflection, it nearly demands it. And so I walked and I thought.

I decided I am far too obssessed with whether or not people will like me. I will start working more on making decisions based on whether or not I will like me.

Where Does All the Money Go?

I'm on disability now, as you may know. I'm making 70% of my former salary. I give about half of that to my soon-to-be ex-wife. My rent is not much. Medical expenses are a heavy drain. But that's about it. The rest of my expenses are fairly small. And yet, the money always seems to disappear without my even being in control of it.

I have yet to figure out a system that works. Or, should I say, I have never found a way to follow a system to keep track. It's been one of the banes of my existence for my entire life. Why can't I do this? I just have this mental block that steps between me and my need to impose some order on my life.

Thought, suggestions, and donations welcome.

More pictures

I've been taking a lot more pictures recently.  It finally got warmer.  I'm so happy.